Earlier this week I stuck my toe up my ass and shared the
experience on twitter. I tried to
sit on top of my leg and found out that I no longer had the dexterity to handle
this type of maneuver. A single person retweeted my stupidity and made it a
favorite. That made me smile. I
only need one to get it.
As I rubbed my toe and cursed my fat ass I was reminded of
other oddly funny experiences my friends have shared with me. Unexpected
awkward moments filled with beet red humiliation and uncontrollable laughter.
This is the glue that bonds us.
If you’re my friend you know that my life is stuck in a
perpetual state of “operator”. So to protect your employment, parental and grown adult
image I have changed some of your names and places. Some.
PART ONE
Sally.
Sally never gives herself enough time to do any one thing to
its fullest. If she needs gas she
only has time to pump half a tank. If she has to get to work early she has to
apply her make-up in the car and keep a flat iron in her desk drawer. Because of her time management deficit
Sally only gives each situation 40% of her attention. She has an endless list of things to do running around in
head all the time; things I forgot to do, things I don’t want to do, things to
add to the things to do list and where did I put that things to do list? So when something out of the norm
happens she is never quite positive of what just occurred. She will wait a few
beats before reacting. Her brain goes into processing overdrive questioning
what she thinks she just heard, saw or did.
Sally goes to the dentist.
Sally does not like the dentist. When she finally made it to
dentist’s office after her third rescheduled appointment, she was late. Sally
rushed into the scary little room as instructed and sat in the Frankenstein
chair. The dental hygienist had
just put the bib on her when Sally’s cell phone began ringing. She apologetically got up and turned it
off. She was thinking a million different things, who just called, what could
be wrong, did I just hang up on my mother? As she sat in the chair
the hygienist turned her back to Sally and said, “You know it would really help
me out if you could spread your cheeks.”
Record scratches.
Sally’s inner dialogue, “What??? Did she say spread my
cheeks??!! Where am I?? This is my Dentist’s office right??? Have I been
sitting in the chair wrong???”
Sally leans back into the chair and looks up at the
hygienist. Her face twisted in
confusion and angst. “What?”
The hygienist looked her dead in the face without an ounce
of humor and said using exaggerated hand gesturing, “If you could spread your
cheeks apart that would really help me.”
She pantomimed putting her fingers into her mouth and spreading it wide
open. Sally said okay and began to giggle uncontrollably as she spread her
cheeks apart. It took nearly a
half hour to get through the x-rays.
Later, I said to Sally through exhausted breaths of laughter
and tears that there has to be a better way to express that request.
PART TWO
Sally goes to the bank.
To be continued….
