Cheeky Bits & Pieces

      

Earlier this week I stuck my toe up my ass and shared the experience on twitter.  I tried to sit on top of my leg and found out that I no longer had the dexterity to handle this type of maneuver. A single person retweeted my stupidity and made it a favorite.  That made me smile. I only need one to get it.

As I rubbed my toe and cursed my fat ass I was reminded of other oddly funny experiences my friends have shared with me. Unexpected awkward moments filled with beet red humiliation and uncontrollable laughter. This is the glue that bonds us.

If you’re my friend you know that my life is stuck in a perpetual state of “operator”.  So to protect your employment, parental and grown adult image I have changed some of your names and places.  Some. 

PART ONE

Sally.

Sally never gives herself enough time to do any one thing to its fullest.  If she needs gas she only has time to pump half a tank. If she has to get to work early she has to apply her make-up in the car and keep a flat iron in her desk drawer.  Because of her time management deficit Sally only gives each situation 40% of her attention.  She has an endless list of things to do running around in head all the time; things I forgot to do, things I don’t want to do, things to add to the things to do list and where did I put that things to do list?  So when something out of the norm happens she is never quite positive of what just occurred. She will wait a few beats before reacting. Her brain goes into processing overdrive questioning what she thinks she just heard, saw or did.

Sally goes to the dentist.

Sally does not like the dentist. When she finally made it to dentist’s office after her third rescheduled appointment, she was late. Sally rushed into the scary little room as instructed and sat in the Frankenstein chair.  The dental hygienist had just put the bib on her when Sally’s cell phone began ringing.  She apologetically got up and turned it off. She was thinking a million different things, who just called, what could be wrong, did I just hang up on my mother? As she sat in the chair the hygienist turned her back to Sally and said, “You know it would really help me out if you could spread your cheeks.”

Record scratches.

Sally’s inner dialogue, “What??? Did she say spread my cheeks??!! Where am I?? This is my Dentist’s office right??? Have I been sitting in the chair wrong???”

Sally leans back into the chair and looks up at the hygienist.  Her face twisted in confusion and angst. “What?”

The hygienist looked her dead in the face without an ounce of humor and said using exaggerated hand gesturing, “If you could spread your cheeks apart that would really help me.”  She pantomimed putting her fingers into her mouth and spreading it wide open. Sally said okay and began to giggle uncontrollably as she spread her cheeks apart.  It took nearly a half hour to get through the x-rays.

Later, I said to Sally through exhausted breaths of laughter and tears that there has to be a better way to express that request.

PART TWO

Sally goes to the bank.

To be continued….